50 ways to Kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor Style
by jesuisnique
Summary: Pondering life, Severus helps Minerva out and starts off a chain reaction that really shouldn't be in a story as paordic as this one. Maybe I'll write another story that involves this summary, one that actually fits, unlike this one. HA.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me. **

Glaring at her, Severus Snape couldn't help but feel utterly repulsed. Where did this feeling come from? Thinking, Severus made a mental list in his head of all the reason as to why one Dolores Umbridge made him want to either; a) Kill himself b) Kill her or c) Kill someone else (preferably a first year of some sort, that were always fun to scare). Grinning (and subsequently scaring the shite out of the poor students who walked past and saw the feral look that Snape was currently supporting) Severus thought that he would do something for poor McGonagall, who looked like she was 3 seconds away from killing herself during that pathetic excuse of a staff meeting.

In reality all the professors did was grit their teeth and pretend to listen to Umbridge prattle on about some crap. Reaching the portrait leading to his chambers Severus muttered the password and swept in. Striding to his study he snatched up a piece of paper and started to scribble down words (which grew up into big, strong and overly handsome sentences that made commas and full stops swoon) whilst chuckling evilly (note: cackling, but Sev is way too awesome to cackle. Who do you take him for? A Gryffindor?) and sporting a smile that was most likely the bastard son of a cheetah's grin before it was about to tear out your throat.

**At breakfast the next day.**

Sighing in anger, Minerva stared at Dolores, trying to make her head combust with her awesome mind powers. Feeling slightly out when they failed to work, Minerva turned her attention to something else. Said something else turned out to be a piece of parchment that appeared in her eggs. Eggs that she had fully intended to eat and enjoy (and not at all pretend it was any body part of Dolores, no not at all) while she went over a, admittedly, long list of things she wished to do to Dolores, given the chance. Huffing and standing up, Minerva strode (note: stomped, just 'cos you're a professor doesn't mean you don't have tantrums so, aint that right Minnie?) out of the Great Hall, heading towards her office to read the letter that was now clutched in her hand. The letter in question was dripping with egg yolk (she likes her eggs runny, stop sniggering) and was pissing her off no end.

After a long, tiring walk that was filled with the heaved sighs of someone who thought they were hard done by, Minerva reached her office and slammed open the door (not for once thinking that the door had any feeling what-so-ever. I mean hey, it's just a door right? No feelings at all. None. Nada. Well, bub, that door that you just slammed is now plotting its' revenge on your ass, so you better run fast. You never know what the door with come and smother you in your sleep). Stepping inside and slamming the door closed, she threw herself on her overly comfy chair and glared at the letter. _Curse you_, she thought with venom, _curse you and your dog!_Baring her teeth at the letter and exhaling sharply (note: hissing, you pussy you!) she gave the poor, unassuming letter one more glare and opened it. Inside was a piece of parchment full of tall, strong, overly handsome sentences. Arching a fine eyebrow, she skimmed over the parchment and fell off her chair from the force (ah crap, someone get Luke 'cos Darth Vader is in the building!) of the giggles (shite, false alarm. Go back to your games of Cluedo) that escaped from her mouth. Why was she currently LOLing on the floor you may ask? (Heh, why should I tell you? You never asked... *twiddles thumbs* 'Kay, I'll tell.) It was because of what was written on the parchment that clutched in her hand. It read as follows:

_**Dear Minnie,**_

_**You want to kill her as much as I do. I know it, you know it, the Giant Squid knows it. So, for the sake of your fleeing sanity and of mine, I have came up with a way that shall make us both smile (or you smile, I smirk. I never have, nor ever will, smile) and generally brighten up our days considerably (yours more so than mine, but you get the idea). Enclosed is the start of a list. Not any old list mid you, this is a list that Merlin himself would have killed for if she was in out position. Minnie darling, I present to you: **__**50 ways to kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style.**__** Enjoy and bask in the goriness of it and feel free to add to it, that's what it's there for. **_

_**Sincerely, **_

_**Severus Snape.**_

_50 ways to kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style._

1. Get a spoon and a werewolf. Now put them both in the same room 2 days before full moon and tell the werewolf that its' wolfsbane is in her stomach and the only way to get it out is with the spoon.

2. Get Hermione Granger to go up to her and ask, "Professor, you look like Voldemort. Is her your dad or something?" She'd die of shock, embarrassment or from her high blood pressure caused by getting insulted. Or complemented, depends on your point of view.

3. Tell her that Hagrid wears a man-kini to bed and enjoys the company of women who wear pink. Then wait for her heart to give out or her brain to implode at the image of Hagrid in a man-kini coming on to her.

4. Get a book, one that's large and heavy, and lob it at her head. Aim for in-between the eyebrows. Or mono-brow in her case.

5. Starve Fluffy for a week and then wing her into a cage with him.

6. Well, Hogwarts has a hello of a lot of stairs, right? All we need is for someone to trip and fall against her back while she is standing on top of a very long, high flight of stair. She'd go down head first and wouldn't feel a thing… After the 34th broken bone.

7. Snakes. Snakes. Poisonous Snakes. Put the into her underwear. Though how you're gonna put the there is not something for the faint hearted.

8. Get a broom, put her on it, and make it fly into the sun.

9. Get Fawkes to flash her into a meat grinder.

10. Play music such as MCR, Avenged Sevenfold and Rise Against and watch as the will to live slowly drains from her eyes and then finally vanish. Give her a noose and say, "Go for it." And watch as she commits suicide.

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**Chapter 2 of this highly crappy piece of writing shall be on its merry way soon. Yay. Feel free to review and shite, tell me stuff about the story and such. Slag my grammer and spelling mistakes and the stupid errors that everyone makes. It's unbeat'd, and most likely never will be, so HA. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Reality continues to ruin my life.**

After a long and tiring session of ROFLing, Minerva pulled herself onto her chair gracefully and tried (and failed, unfortunately) to stifle the giggles that were trying to come out of her mouth. What she managed in the end was a unladylike snort (which held an uncanny likeness to the way Pansy Parkinson laughed) and her face to become red and flushed. Wiping the tears of laughter away from her face she grinned widely and couldn't help but thank Severus over and over (in her mind, thank you very much. Never would she thank him out loud. Never. Not even under cruciatus. Not even when all her ginger newts were taken away and she was forced to watch Dolores eat them slowly with exaggerated noises of pleasure).

Taking up her quill in her hand (all dramatic like, 'cos she could and no one was about to point and laugh at her) she started the add to the list on the piece of parchment, intending to pass it along to another person in need of it. Said person was someone who had a short temper (hint hint) and was very likely to hex Dolores into next week (or bite her, ah, kankles). _Filius_, she thought with a predatory gleam in her (crazy, oh so very crazy) eyes, _may you be inspired_.

**Later on that night in the arse-end of nowhere (AKA, the Forbidden Forest)**

Filius Flickwick was not a happy camper. He was tired, pissed off and just wanted to go to his chambers and relax. But no, fucking Dolores Umbridge in all her (self delusional) mightiness thought that he had nothing better to do with his time than patrol the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest for Albus Dumbledore (who, as we all know, is insane and instead of leaving Hogwarts and the grounds surrounding it, stayed and started to train up freshly picked Cornish Pixies to do his evil, illegal, foul smelling dirty work; like stealing small first years and making them endure the horrible torture that is his singing). Kicking a near by stone (_yes_, the stone thought as it rolled away, _I shall has my revenge soon_) he huffed and sat down against a tree, crossing his arms in a sign of protest (note: tantrum, because Umbridge was like the evil step dad. It doesn't matter if Dumbledore let you do it, all she wanted was for you to give up your cat so she could kill it).

Hearing a faint rustling beside him, Filius turned his head and squinted into the darkness to see if he could find the source of the noise. Hearing it again, he leaned more to his right in a attempt to see anything that would make the noise. Suddenly something came flying straight at his head and hit him square in the nose. Letting out a manly noise of surprise (note: screech, 'cos we all know he screamed like a little girl) he stared at the object that was now sitting innocently on his lap. _A letter_, he thought in slight disbelief, _a bloody letter_. Said letter was now crumpled and had several unidentifiable stains on it. Glaring at it, Filius pushed his glasses up his nose and went about ignoring it in a dignified manner (note: like a toddler who had just been denied his favourite toy). Several minutes went past (rather slowly, as though they wanted to stick around and see why a midget was acting like a kid) and finally Filius cracked.

Whipping out his wand he cast a number of charms to look for any and all dark curses that could be lying inside the envelope. Satisfied that there wasn't any he ripped open the letter and laughed (note: giggled, like a midget, ah sorry, kid on Christmas) when two pieces of parchment fell out. Picking up the one addressed to him he began to read. Eyes glittering with amusement, he set down the first piece of parchment and picked up the second one. In a matter of seconds he was on the floor rolling about laughing his tiny little arse off.

**_Dear Fussy,_**

**_During the staff meeting this morning, I couldn't help but notice the fact that you looked ready to jump Dolores and strangle her. (Well, not just looked, as I saw Rolanda and Poppy holding you back. But still, you also looked as though you were going to do it.) Anyway, enclosed is something that has brought me great joy and happiness. I hope that it works for you as well. It was started off by Severus and then added by me, and I hope that you to add it as well. You never know, we may be able to get all the staff members to add to it (though we'd most likely need to change the name to at least 100 ways to kill the Bitch)._**

**_Sincerely,_**

**_Minerva._**

______

50 ways to kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style.

11. Transfigure her into a fly and set Trevor loose.

12. Give her a cough drop laced with Basilisk venom. If she refuses it, shove it down her throat. Or do it at the start, whatever your preference is.

13. Push her off the Astronomy tower and laugh as she plunges to her death. (You could also conjure up some spikes or something, the pointier the better.)

14. Put her into a dunking tank and transfigure her, ah, adorable kitten plates into man eating piranhas, place them inside the tank and fill it up with water. After that, go wild.

15. Get someone with a short (ah ha) temper and get them to strangle her.

16. Put her into a room, vanish the door and reveal that inside are a pack of pissed of bogarts who all take the shape of her worst fear and proceed to beat her to death.

17. House elves. Her covered in dirt, inside and out. Lock them in room together. 'nuff said.

18. Stick a sign to her back: "Hex me. Those who do so will be awarded house points. Number of points given vary for use of imaginative curses, funny charms and embarrassing hexes."

19. Get a Hufflepuff first year (one who looks all innocent and such) and get them to ask, "Is your mama a toad?" whilst tilting their head to the side and giving her the 'lost puppy' look. She'd either die from the over loading cuteness of the 'Puff or from her heart giving out due to the indignation she was feeling.

20. Talk to a professor (a man if you're male or a woman is you're female) and say in a really crappy stage whisper about a meeting Albus was setting up at the bottom of the Black Lake. Make sure she is listening in to the conversation and say the detail of when and where. When she leaves, tell all the students that a miracle is about to happen down at the lake and everyone can attend if they want to. Get some popcorn from the kitchen and sit down on the blanket with the rest of the staff. Ask Rolanda if she would like some and as she goes to decline point to the squat figure at the shore of the lake start to dance whilst screaming, "Dumbledore, he's our man, if he can't do it no one can!" Along with the whole school, watch as she is torn to shreds by the Giant Squid and giggle in glee as her last words were those that praised the man she wished were dead.

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**Chapter 3 may be born soon, depends if I can be bothered to 'forget' to use a condom. Right-o, thanks to the 4 people who have reviewed, I would mention your names but I'm too lazy to. Oh and yush, using CAPITALS is rather awesome. Conveys your feelings, dun it? To the robots who favorite'd this, I salute you. Read, review, eat food, I 'unno. **

**(Oh and by the way, those who have favorite'd this and those wo have reviewed; I jizzed when I went onto my e-mail and say those messages.)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: But perhaps, you know, we should believe in Adam and Eve. Geneticists have established that every woman in the world shares a single female ancestor who lived a hundred and fifty thousand years ago. Scientists actually call her "Eve", and every man shares a single male ancestor called "Adam". It's also been established, however, that Adam was born eighty thousand years after Eve. So the world before him was one of heavy to industrial-strength lesbianism, one assumes.**

25 long (and rather skinny) minutes later, Filius had managed to curb his manly giggling and was making his way back up to the castle with the list clutched in his tiny little mitts. His head was swimming with ideas (big ones, small ones, some the size of your head) as to what he was going to write on the list. With a spring in his (rather short) step, he walked into the entrance hall and let out a cackle as a particularly gruesome idea floated past and he made a mental note to ponder and expand it.

Locked in his own (pleasurable, on so very pleasurable) thoughts of killing Dolores, Filius failed to notice said person (if one can even stretch the truth that far. Doing so would be like trying to fit Dudley into a pair of size 8 skinny jeans. Fun to watch him try to do it, icky when we consider he'd just be in his briefs) come up beside him and _hem hem_ rather loudly. Gritting his teeth and trying to stifle the growl that was aching to get out, Filius turned to Dolores and simply glared, waiting for her to say something. Dolores smiled (and by doing so drove Filius to suicide, but not without taking her out as well; "Take that you fucking TOAD!") and started to go on (and on, and on, and on, and on, and- you know what? Screw this! If she goes on one more time I'll shove something so far down her throat, it'll be coming out of her arse!) about guard duty and it was so important and stuff.

Throughout her rant (for that is what is was. Calling it a speech would be insulting to speeches everywhere, and if it is one thing that everyone knows, don't get a speech angry. Never.) Filius was imagining cutting off every single piece of her body and feeding it so Buckbeak. Another 25 minutes (that were thankfully short and quite tubby) found Filius sprinting up to his chambers with a wicked grin on his face that would've made his Goblin Grandpapi proud. Slamming his portrait closed ("Hey! Watch it, bub.") he walked over to his desk and giggled gleefully whilst picking up his quill and picking out the next staff member who was fit to hold the List Of Awesomeness. _My, my,_ he thought, admiring his handy work, _I really do need to see that therapist._

**25 long, long minutes after 3 o'clock.**

Pomona Sprout was pissed- no scratch that, she was down right (off her _fucking _rocker) mad. Dolores Umbridge thought it would be a _splendid_ and _wonderful_ idea to attempt to tell her, THE Pomona Sprout, how to look after plants. What. The. Hell. Now, we all know that Sprout isn't the type of person to get angry over something silly (such as someone, and we're not saying any names, taking all of her custard creams and eating them, forgetting to leave her some. Then, and we're still not saying any names _Albus_, denying about doing said deed whilst having crumps all over your person. No, she wasn't the type to get mad over such trivial things and set some violent plants on your arse. No, not at all) but when someone tries to tell her to do something she is (fucking) _beast_ at, well person, you better run. And since said person was Dolores, and Pomona didn't like her at all, she got extra angry (as in, foaming from the mouth angry).

So with her head held high and her lips set into a thin line (note: pouting, 'cos in reality, Pomona was a 'Puff and age really doesn't dim the adorableness of them) she marched out of her Green (not yellow, sadly) Houses and proceeded to head for her office (which was actually on the other side of the school at the moment. Hogwarts always liked to change her office because she was the one who was lees likely to get mad over such trivial, silly things). After a long and gruelling hike up several staircases and through way too many doorways, she arrived at her office. Closing the door with a (small, tiny, petite, pequeno) thankful sigh, she walked over to her desk and sunk into the blissfully comfy chair behind it. With a lazy flick of her wand she locked her door and conjured up a picture of Dolores. Sticking the picture to the back of the door, she opened her top drawer and whipped out a box (of doom. 'Cos yesh, whilst 'Puffs are unassuming and adorable, you always have to watch out for them in a dark alley. Always.) full of darts and picked one up.

Closing one eye and sticking out her tongue, she aimed at her target and fired (note: flung, sitting down and throwing darts majestically is a skill that our dear Pomona did not have). Giggling when it hit Photo-Dolores in the right eye, she picked out another dart and flung it at the picture. Instead of hitting its' intending target, it hit a envelope (and forever was the dart the victim of abuse from all the other darts). With a confused look Pomona made her way over to the door and picked up the (now crumpled, stained, holey) envelope and opened it, not once thinking that someone could have placed some nasty hex inside it ('cos, again, she's a Hufflepuff) and peered excitedly at the letter that was addressed to her. For a third time, 25 minutes when past (they weren't to tall, nor to small. To fat, nor to skinny. Not the hot, nor to cold. Not to hard, nor to soft. They were just right) and by the end of them a confused 'Puff was staring at a (innocent until proven otherwise) piece of parchment. Unable to quell her curiosity, she opened the parchment and began to read. A fourth 25 minute time span saw her on the floor, laughing so hard she peed a little.

_**Dear Po,**_

_**I heard what happened today, and I'm honestly surprised you didn't tank her like you did with Albus. Ah, good times. Since you ( along with Sev, Minnie and I) hate her guts, I have decided to pass you on something that should be treasured and cherished forever. Including this letter, you shall have received a list. Use it wisely young Padawan and when you become a JedI Master, add to it and pass it on to the next person it need.**_

_**Sincerely,**_

_**Filius.**_

_50 ways to Kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor style _

21. Charm a blindfold on her and let her run wild in a lion enclosure. (Make sure so starve the lions a bit before hand, much more fun for everyone there.)

22. Inform her that Albus is hiding out at Gringotts. Ah ha ha. HA.

23. Get one of the Ravens, Luna for example, to follow her around all day without speaking. When she finally cracks and asks Ms. Lovegood why she is following her, get Luna to reply, "That's what your Mum said." and just wait for her head to implode from the pure anger she must be feeling at the moment.

24. Charm a small army of books to hit her without letting up for 25 minutes.

25. Compliment her hairstyle and when she thanks you, grin and point up. Above her should be a 3 ton anvil hanging precariously on a piece of string. Cancel the feather light charm that is currently on the anvil. LOL.

26. Sticks. Nothing beats (pun) a good 'ole fashion stick beating.

27. Wing her in Azkaban and be done with it.

28. Charm her chair to swallow her up. Death by suffocation.

29. Hand her a letter and inform her with a stony face that she has a secret admirer. As she giggles and pretends to look chuff commence phase 1 of Operation: Kill the Toad. When you get the signal that Dobby is in place, commence phase 2. As you wait for her to walk into the designated position, take a couple of seconds to get comfy. Once she is in position, commence phase 3. Watching Dobby _pop_ into the Great Hall, take great satisfaction in knowing that you were the one to organise this. Seeing Dobby start to serenade to Dolores; _"Mah gift is dis sooooonnnnnng~!",_ get out your muggle video camera and start phase 4, which is recording it all for those rainy days. 25 minutes later when Dolores is on the floor dead, sigh in relief and get on with your life.

30. Stab her. Over and over again. Stab every single piece of flesh you can see and then some more. Stab her until she is nothing more than a person with a lot of stab wounds. Stab her I say, STAB HER.

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**Chapter 4 is currently on holiday, but will be back shortly. As you all know, this is unbeta'd and shall forever will be. HA. And to those who reviewed, thanks. And to the reviewer who didn't get the condom joke; how are babies made? Just ponder that and I'm sure you'll get it, ah, sometime in the near future. Or maybe it's just me who gets it. Awk well, we'll all survive.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I have absolutely no intention of being sent to Azkaban. I could break out, of course - but what a waste of time, and frankly, I can think of a whole host of things I would rather be doing.**

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After laughing (at the list, then at herself for laughing at the list, then at the list again, then herself and so on) for a good hour, Pomona hefted herself off of the floor and collapsed into her chair. All she could think about was the list (normally her thoughts would revolve around plants and such, so for her to be not thinking about them was something that happened once every hundred thousand years or so) and what she was going to add to it.

An evil look slowly replaced the adorable, flushed one that she previously supported. With a girlish giggle (note: cackle, 'cos with that look upon her face, only evil sounds could be made) she picked up her quill, dainty (note: stabbed; again, the look prevents the bearer from doing anything not evil and twisted) the tip of the quill into the ink well that was on her desk. A second (a very slim one, almost anorexic) before the inked tip of the quill was about to touch the parchment, a knock came from her door and a sickening (as in vomit worthy) voice could be heard (thankfully) behind it.

"Pomona, darling? May I have a word?" Without waiting for said 'Pomona darling' to confirm that yes, indeed she may come in. Or (and this is closest to reality) no, no you may not have a word. Banish yourself, you she devil! But, alas, Pomona wasn't given a choice and had to endure Dolores give her (oh so very helpful and not at all degrading) tips on gardening and how keeping oneself clean and tidy at all times is a must if we want to set the _proper_ (note: notice how she didn't use the word 'good') example for the children. _I'll set a good example for them_, Pomona thought viciously, (yes, yes a 'Puff and a violent word in the same sentence. No, there is no 4 Horse Men of the bloody apocalypse) _I'll show them just how to kill someone in an orderly _proper_ manner_, with that in mind she giggled a bit and glanced over to the list that was lying in wait underneath a plant pot. Dolores heard her giggle and started into a brand new rant (one that has never been heard before. One that she spent all night working on) about the right behaviour for Professors of Hogwarts. Gritting her teeth and sighing inwardly, Pomona nodded at the right moments during Dolores' rant and waited until she had finished before sighing in relief and unclenching her jaw.

"Bloody hell," she murmured (and created a hole in the space and time continuum, effectively changing the evolution of man. We all now have gills and communicate via clicking our tongues. Go on, check if you don't believe me) rubbing her eyes warily. Picking up the list, the look of pure evilness crept back onto her face. Taking the quill in her hand for the second time that day, she started to scribble furiously. 2 hours later she charmed the envelope, containing the list and a letter, to find a certain person. Smiling angelically, (note: like Satan himself, or herself. Whichever you prefer) she sat back in her chair and relaxed. _Oh yes_, she mused, her mind back to plants, _he will love this more than the Chicken Pie that the house elves make_.

**At the Order of The Chicken, a few hours later.**

Albus stretched his arms above his head and rubbed the back of his neck. He had fallen asleep ('cos he's old and needs naps) at his desk again and gotten a cramp in his neck, again. _If only Minnie were here_, he thought with a wistful smile, _it would be a lot better_. Shaking his head to dispel any thoughts of Minerva McGonagall (which were basically all his thoughts, so in essence he cleared his mind of everything and was ready for a long, mentally draining lesson in occlumency- ah wait, that's the wrong person, sorry) he looked at the work load covering his desk and bit back a sigh. Being the leader of the Light wasn't all it cracked up to be; first there was the mountains upon mountains of paperwork, such as Health Insurance forms and robe repair orders (Merlin knows that no one could be more careful with their clothing, it's not like they have to fix 'em or sign the bloody Seamstress orders or anything).

Then there was being the bearer of news, both good and bad. Tell them that Voldemort has risen and suddenly you're the bad guy. Then tell them you know a way to defeat said newly risen villian, you're the good guy. Then say that no, Mr. Potter is not allowed here for his own good, and you're now Satan. _Hormonal group of teenage girls_, he thought with an annoyed frown. Finally there was getting thrown out of your own house because someone (yes, that's you Fudge) thinks you're planning to overthrow him using school children.

Grumbling (note: squawking indignantly, like familiar, like master) he tore through the remaining paper, attempting to finish it without anymore distractions (like napping, _old man_). This, of course, failed as a letter came flying at his head from the window. Whipping out his wand (LOL, innuendo much) he waved it at the letter and it stopped in front of him. He looked at it curiously and jabbed it with his wand. Satisfied that is contained nothing that would hurt him (apart from the corners of the paper, gotta watch out for those) he open the crinkled, stained, holey and dirt cover enveloped and took out both pieces of parchment. Taking the one with his name on it, he opened it and started to read. His blue eyes twinkled up a storm by the end of the letter and he turned his attention to the other piece of parchment. Minutes latter he was laughing so hard that his chair toppled backwards with him sitting on it (and poor Remus, who was walking past the study, minding his own wolfy business when he heard Albus laugh. Suffice to say Remus was scarred for life, mentally).

_**Dear Abe,**_

_**Since you left, nothing has been the same. That foul toad (for that's what she is) is picking on the students, my 'Puffs and Minnie's Lions in particular. Now, I know you're no longer here but I thought I would send you something, a list, which Sev (Merlin bless his little cotton socks) started. It has brought great joy to Fussy, Minnie and I. I am hoping it does the same for you. Add to the list and then send it back to Sev; he has been the subject to Dolores' torture for far to long. Well all miss you and are rooting for you, even if no one but me knows about this letter.**_

_**Sincerely, **_

_**Pomona.**_

_50 ways to Kill Dolores Umbridge: Professor Style_

31. She thinks she can tell me how to look after plants? Well, lets see how she likes it when I put her into a room with a fully grown Devils Snare.

32. Get the pink bow and transfigure it into a Mandrake. Charm it so only she can hear it.

33. Whomping Willow anyone? Tell her that Dumbles is hiding in the hole at the bottom of it.

34. Use her as quaffle. Get those two Slytherins, Crabbe and Goyle, to have a go at her with beaters bats.

35. Well, she loves her eggs. Transfigure a badger into one for about 5 minutes and wait for her to eat it. Watch with nefarious amusement as it breaks free from the confines of her stomach with its' sharp, pointy claws.

36. Smother her in her sleep. Simple, but highly effective.

37. Have some Steak and Kidney pie made especially for her. When she takes the first bite of it, tell her that you used the meat of a werewolf in it. Laugh as she dies from choking. (Note: use normal meat. I mean, we're only killing Dolores and killing werewolves and eating them is wrong.)

38. . Poke her until she falls over dead.

39. Could you stab her with a quill? I'm sure if you do it enough times she'd. And wouldn't come back 'cos she's not as annoying as Voldemort.

40. Ah, teenage angst. Get Harry (such a lovely boy, has his sights set on one of my 'Puffs, Susan) to act really grumpy all day. When asked a question by anyone, tell him to reply with, "No, I'm full of teenage angst." When he's in Dolores' class, get him to repeatedly hit his head off of his desk whilst saying, "Angst" like a mantra. When she comes over to Harry, have him launch into a speech about Voldemort and how he keeps on ruining his life and how much Harry wants him gone. When Dolores states that _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named _is not back, get Harry to scream and shout at her that his is. Have him storm out of her classroom and when she follows him, make him go to the Boathouse. When he is walking down the stairs, have him disappear and creep up behind Dolores. Pushing her gently, making her over balance, watch as she falls all the stairs. And dies.

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**To whom this may concern; chapter 5 shall be uploaded soon. Thank you to all of those people who favorite'd and shizz. Thanks to those who reviewed. And thanks to BuzzCat for saying yes to Dumbles. I salute you. **


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